Have a Heart

I am making myself the promise that I will post something here every day - more for my own sanity than for any other reason. When walking the mean streets of break-ups and New York City real estate, one needs a little routine.

It's 1:46 a.m. as I write this. Tonight I will work - briefly, but work nonetheless - on "Have a Heart" by Bonnie Raitt. I find that when I'm going through relationship transitions, I'm drawn to music written and/or performed by strong women. This song doesn't reflect my situation at all, but I've always liked it. I like the sort of almost-reggae feel and the first lyric: "Hey, shut up!" - genius way to start a song!

Last night I started dealing with the apartment search. For the self-employed musician, it means getting a lot of income documentation together. A lot of New York apartments require that you prove you earn at least 40 times the monthly rent, meaning, for example, if the apartment is $1000 a month, you have to earn at least $40K a year. So, I went through papers and got stuff together, emailed my landlords to give them notice, called or emailed about a few apartments that looked decent. Looking at craigslist has become an addictive behavior - refresh, refresh, refresh, email posts to self. I saw a studio apartment this afternoon. I wrote a blurb about my current space, posted it on facebook, emailed it to friends. This left me little time for the compulsive cleaning out of my junk I've been indulging in lately - books, clothes, CDs, papers, never-used silicon egg poachers (thanks, Mom).

All this nuts-and-bolts stuff feels surreal in and of itself, but makes the relationship situation seem more real. Some days I stay positive and think of all the new beginnings and opportunities that are presenting themselves (hanging out with friends I haven't made as much time for since I've been in a relationship, for example). Other days are Sad Days.

This relationship started almost three and a half years ago, six weeks after an amicable split with another great guy. So really, I've been in good relationships pretty much continuously for over four years. I don't really remember what it feels like to be single. I don't understand exactly what makes a relationship tick, what makes it work or not work. And I certainly don't know the best way to go about finding the right place for me to live. Lots of anxiety. Lots of time spent taking care of what I will call the Logistics of Relationship Transition (LORT... reckon the government will hire me to make acronyms?). Lots of mourning. Lots of uncertainty.

This I know: the repeat and fade tradition so common in pop music does not work in a live setting. So I'm gonna go play through this song, and figure out an ending that doesn't make me cringe. Then, tomorrow: new day, new song.